Harry Harrison Bill 03 On the Planet of Bottled Brains (Robert Sheckley)

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severe it sure made sentencing easy for the low-IQ officers who sat on the
courts martial. Thus it had always been.
So, while Bill didn't like it at least he was used to it. The military was out
to get him he never forgot that.
All too soon they landed at the spaceport of Camp Despair, named so not
because it was an unhappy and desperate place, though it was, but in honor of
its first commander, Martin Harry Despair, hero of Big
Little Greenhoof and Skirmisher's Nook, two great battles with more than usual
losses so of course he got promoted.
Camp Despair was on the planet Inquest X, a small world with an atmosphere
that smelled of rotten eggs.
The camp itself was on a tropical island which was separated from an
inhospitable and savage coast by a channel of foaming water with many
whirlpools in it. It was the old Devil's Island model, and palm trees had been
imported to give it a proper look.
Bill was put into the maximum security prison, a place so secure that even
food had difficulty getting in.
So it was a gaunt and red-eyed Bill who was awakened early one morning not
long after his arrival and told to wash his gob and brush his fangs; he was
going to appear before a board of officers who would judge his case but could
not be expected to tolerate his bad breath whether he was guilty or not.
The court Bill was brought to was in the middle of an amphitheater which
seated about ten thousand;
because the spectacle of unfairness in action was fascinating to so many
people, a larger capacity court was being planned. Meanwhile, this one would
have to do. As usual it was full, since watching military court martials was
one of the specialties offered by many tour agencies.
There was a jury, too, but it was not made up of humans. A recent change in
military law called for trial by jury in all cases on a trial basis. This was
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a crude attempt by the military to disguise the basic injustice of the system.
The juries invariably voted as the presiding judges indicated they should
since they would be shot if they didn't. This had proven to be expensive so
now, to save money, a jury of twelve robots had been permanently impaneled.
The jury was made up of robots who had been brought back from various battles
and were awaiting repair. Aside from a few lacking limbs, they were fit
enough. It was disconcerting to see that some of them had no heads, but they
assured the court that their brains were in their thoraxes, and so they were
allowed to sit. All of them had been programmed to bring in guilty verdicts no
matter what evidence was presented.
"All rise!" cried the bailiff. The spectators in the courtroom got to their
feet and applauded the presiding judge, Colonel Genc Bailey; he was a popular
judge on the military circuit. His real name was Lewis, but he was called Genc
for his favorite sentence, which he served upon all malefactors whatever the
accusations against them was "Guilty, electrocution, next case." That was
his favorite sentence, and the spectators, with their predictable detestation
for malefactors, were always pleased. Some had been
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Bill, the Galactic Hero on the Planet of Bottled Brains known to say that even
Bailey was easier on the guilty than he should be and those found guilty
should be shot on the spot. But it was well-known that liberalism had crept
into the military justice system.
The attorney for the military was Captain Jeb Stuart. All the spectators were
rooting for him, because
Stuart hadn't lost a case in five years. He just needed one more year's
successes to qualify him for the
Triple Crown of jurisprudence.
"Need I go into it all?" Jeb Stuart declaimed, addressing the court in a rich
and sonorous voice. "This trooper Bil, a subversive even in his name since he
spells it with two 'l's, and that spelling is only for officers, is guilty of
breaking sections 23, 45, 76, 76a and 110b sub-part c of the Uniform Military
Code of Justice. If you will all look at the crib sheets which have been
passed among you, you will see that these are all crimes of a gross nature.
Bil, have you anything to say for yourself?"
"Sir, all I did was follow orders," Bill said.
Stuart smiled with gross subtlety. "And since when has that been a legitimate
excuse in the eyes of military law?"
"But what was I supposed to do?" Bill asked.
"You were supposed to do everything right," Stuart snarled. "We find that you
were AWOL on an alien planet during a time of considerable civil upset, and
that furthermore you did knowingly consort with an alien female of the
Tsurisian race, our enemies, and that you furthermore took up residence within
an alien computer for reasons best left unsaid, and that you also conspired
with an alien general from another time period, one Hannibal, who was unable
to be here for this trial due to pressing engagements with the
Roman General Scipio Africanus. But we do have Hannibal's deposition. Since it
is written in
Carthaginian, we have had a little difficulty deciphering it. But we think it
says, 'This trooper is guilty as hell of everything he's accused of and he
ought to fry painfully in the worst you can give him.'"
"Hannibal is my friend." Bill said. "He wouldn't have said anything like that.
You must have gotten it wrong."
"See for yourself," Stuart said. He gave a meaningful nod and one of his
clerks hurried forward carrying a large baked clay tablet with cuneiform
characters inscribed upon it.
"I can't read this," Bill said.
"Of course not," Stuart agreed. "It would have been strange, not to say
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treasonous, if you had been able to. Since that is the case, how can you deny
our interpretation of the message?"
"My guess about what it means is as good as anyone else's," Bill said.
"Oh, is it now?" Stuart said. "We thought you might take that line of defense, [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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